"A Monologue For All"

Do not think of this as me. Just read it.

I have a constant battle within, and now I know its a battle between my flesh and my spirit. I have seen the price of letting your flesh win and its a heavy one, period. But I have never been so torn in my life. It is as if, I am two people and I do not know how to exhaust one of them off. I cannot have two consciousness and live. I must have one. I must live for God. I have to stop blaming others and start making a difference. I have to forgive my mother for all the pain she may have caused me. I have to forgive my father for all the pain he may have caused me. I have to forgive my friends for all the pain they may have caused me. I have to forgive my family for all the pain they may have caused me. I have to forgive myself for all the pain I may have caused me.

I feel so lost, but yet I feel so directed. Because in the heart of the destruction OF myself, I have DISCOVERED myself. In the eye of the storm, I have found reasoning and purpose in the eyes of the Lord. I need a difference in my life. I need a vision, I need a commitment to God. I need a change. I need to tell God how much I love Him and tell others the same. I have to be able to speak His name not only in fear, but it glory. To spread the Gospel and tell my own story.

I must rid myself of the constant temptation I am faced with. I must run from fornication. I must run from any sexual temptation or frustration I have. I must let go and let God.

I must accept accountability and responsibility for the actions, and thoughts, performed by me.

I can not be ruled by what the enemy has placed as a road block in my life. I can not be stopped by the fiery darts of wickedness. I must not harden my heart. I must commit to God, because I am only content through God.

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary. Lord shape me, mold me, teach me. The wealth in which I need you is more exuberant than the requirements you would have of me. Lord you have given me a purpose and a promise, and I plan to fulfil them both. I would rather die chasing you oh God, than live running from you. Lord teach me to take up my cross daily oh God, not just so that I can suffer like you suffered Lord, because suffering means nothing without purpose. But Lord, to suffer like you suffered so I can help bring others to you and you save them, just like you saved me.

Lord teach me to carry your cross and not my crops Lord God, and teach me the difference between the two. Lord, remind me oh God that you will not put a cross on me that's too big for me to carry. And if you do Lord, its just to see if I will carry it anyway oh God. To see if i will still praise and thank you oh Lord for doing all the things you have done and are going to do. To praise you for delivering me Lord God, even as I am held captive.

"And For this reason I kneel before the Father...I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen me with power through his Spirit in my inner being, so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith. And I pray that I...may grasp how wide, and long, and high, and deep is the love of Christ...that I may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."* Amen

*(words taken from Ephesians 3:14-20, no its not how it is written in the bible, but I wanted to make it personal)